Desire Paths

by Turnspit

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1.
04:01
We were a train on fire We were a car spinning out of control We were a sinking ship but I’d skip a breath when you grab my hips And swept me off my feet You couldn’t give me what I need I couldn’t sleep when you were drinking I wanted you to change for me, for the better I thought breaking you down was the best thing I could do But that was just another lie ‘Cause I wanted your Irish name And I wanted the life I made, here inside my head It wasn’t meant to be And I hope you got to see the sunset wherever you are tonight Wherever you are tonight It’s just the same old shit, why do I keep doing this? I put so much of myself into everybody else What’s in it for me? What about me? Am I wasting all my time to see emptiness staring back at me I thought breaking you down was the best thing I could do And I wanted you to stay but there's nothing I can say or do No ‘Cause I wanted your Irish name And I wanted the life I made, here inside my head It wasn’t meant to be And I hope you got to see the sunset wherever you are tonight ‘Cause I wanted your Irish name And I wanted the life I made, here inside my head It wasn’t meant to be And I hope you got to see the sunset wherever you are tonight Wherever you are tonight Wherever you are tonight Wherever you are tonight
2.
3.
04:14
“I can see it in your light brown eyes that I’m here with you on borrowed time” Wrote those words about a month ago, and now you’re finally letting me go Whoa-oh! Trying real hard not to be so sad, thinking about the life we could’ve had When I said I loved you I meant it, would’ve done whatever you needed Remember when you said you’d never walk away? (I meant it then. I never thought I’d walk away) And I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face (And the rush of the blood to blush my cheeks) Well, now there’s nothing I can say (Now there’s nothing you could say) So I’ll watch you walk away I can see it in your light brown eyes That you think i’m just wasting time I get so stuck inside my head Can’t you pull me out of it? Remember when you said you’d never walk away? (I meant it then. I never thought I’d walk away) And I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face (And the rush of the blood to blush my cheeks) Well, now there’s nothing I can say (Now there’s nothing you could say) So I’ll watch you walk away Remember when you said you’d never walk away? (I meant it then. I never thought I’d walk away) Now we’re just passing strangers on the street (Near the place where we used to meet) Maybe there’s something I can say (Baby, there’s nothing you could say) Or I’ll be the one to walk away The one to walk away Remember when you said you’d never walk away? And I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face Well, now there’s nothing I can say So I’ll watch you walk away (This is gonna hurt me as much as it hurts you, but sometimes, good things just end because they have to. This is something that I never thought I’d have to say. Trust me when I say this isn’t what I wanted either, but we’re just both not getting what we need when we’re together. I hope that you can muster up the strength to walk away when I walk away.) When I walk away
4.
I got too drunk last night, and I said some things that I didn’t mean, or maybe I did, and they just didn’t come out right. It doesn’t really matter what I did. I wake up feeling guilty. I wake up feeling lonely, and I look for something to apply it to, even if it’s only in my head. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, I just get like this sometimes. You don’t have to apologize. You’re alright. You’re alright. I see you at the end of the bar I think about the last time that we talked How I wanted to apologize for things that I should not ‘Cause the last thing I remember Is you getting too close to my face And I couldn’t understand your hands Thought I knew who you were You don’t have to apologize. You’re alright. You’re alright. Please don’t tell me, please don't tell me I don’t have to apologize. You don’t know what it’s like. You won’t say it to me Watch me walk away I have to unlearn this But I won’t say I’m sorry I don’t need to anymore You don’t have to apologize. You’re alright. We’re all alright sometimes. We don’t have to apologize for living our lives.
5.
03:10
Do you know how it feels to be not enough? To be parts of many, instead of just one? A whole, less than the sum of its parts? A path cut through the pavement. All the best laid plans of terrified men, laid out in concrete and flattened. They lead to nowhere no one needs for the sake of propriety. It took more courage than I had to say this and not look back. I can hear it plain in the subtext. “You’re just lying.” “You’re just scared.” “People like that, they don’t exist.” But I’m standing here. I remember that night when I was twelve. Nervously, I told my mother what I felt. When she told me it was wrong, she thought she’d helped. I thought the same, ashamed of the hand that I’d been dealt. All the help that I could hope to find on every path, from the narrow to the wide, told me I had to choose. “Men just don;’t like both women and men. Now, you’ve gotta pick a side.” It took me thirty odd years to realize I should just follow my pride. I can hear it plain in the subtext. “You’re just lying.” “You’re just scared.” “People like that, they don’t exist.” But I’m standing here. I just want those who love me to know me. I just want to know myself. I can hear it plain in the subtext. “You’re just lying.” “You’re just scared.” “People like that, they don’t exist.” But I’m standing here. I'm standing here.
6.
03:45
When I was 5, I liked to play in the garden And let the summer sun wash over me The boy next door, he was my only friend We played outside and hopped over the fence Then one day, he said "Pull down your pants" On the other side of that raspberry bush I knew inside that it was wrong but he was nice and I was young And that was the first time I lied to save an abuser And when I was 13, you know my body was changing My grey-blue eyes weren't the focal point no more I caught the attention of a boy needing saving He said he loved me, but it was all part of his plan You know what he taught me He taught me what it means What it means to feel so powerless He didn't have to hold me down, his grip was on my mind I said "No, no please, no" Then I gave in Some might say "Just let it go They were young and just didn't know" But they weren't alone and I've been fighting since 5 years old To reclaim this sack of skin as mine So when I wear my low cut shirts Just know it's not for you This is me, and I'm taking back my body To feel like I own my own skin Yeah to feel like I own my own skin Yeah you know, you own your own skin
7.
Last weekend, someone told me they ran into you at the grocery store. You were in a rush and couldn’t talk. That was the end of their story. It’s been almost a year since we last got drunk like we did when we lived together, writing songs on our cheap guitars. And we were sleeping in on our futures. I guess it still surprises me that there are things I try not to think about. It probably shouldn’t, but it does. I guess, in that, I’m just like everybody else: There’re still some things I run from. I thought you’d be dead by now from the drugs you ran to after you got back from military school, and I moved away with Alicia. We’re so very different now than we were on each others’ bedroom floors staring at the ceiling, unaware of the lives that were coming for us. I guess it still surprises me that there are things I try not to think about. It probably shouldn’t, but it does. I guess, in that, I’m just like everybody else: There’re still some things I run from. I didn’t want to run into you when we showed up at the same show. Seeing you still makes me smile for a second. I had to walk away, but I never wanted to. You’re like a photo that’s torn, but I still keep it in a drawer because I can’t bring myself to throw it away. I guess it still surprises me that there are things I try not to think about. It probably shouldn’t, but it does. I guess, in that, I’m just like everybody else: There’re still some things I run from. We all have pain we run from. We all have things we run from. Sometimes, it hurts just as much to run.
8.
03:10
Last night, I had a dream. The wheel fell off of the van while we were driving. We didn’t know it until we stopped, and we were stranded. Yesterday, a busted spoke, the first ride of the season. The shop wasn’t open, so I locked my bike up: hobbled, lonely and abandoned. I guess you never really know how fragile something is until it breaks, and you have to fix it or walk away.. You learn not to take anything for granted, anything at face, anything as given or safe. Last year, a last word. A line that separates two eras between the shore where we were born and a ship that has sailed and landed. Yesterday, she let us know, her shoulders slumped and shaking under a weight that nobody should bear alone, fitful and candid. I guess you never really know how fragile something is until it breaks, and you have to fix it or walk away.. You learn not to take anything for granted, anything at face, anything as given or safe. I guess you never really know how fragile something is until it breaks, and you have to fix it or walk away.. You learn not to take anything for granted, anything at face, anything as given or safe.
9.
03:22
You told me I was your dream girl But sometimes happiness is not knowing the whole story You said one day we’d live together At the taproom when you still loved me I got this tattoo at the right time I’m trying to take the words to heart Sometimes that third rail looks enticing I don’t wanna kill myself, but I thought about it For a moment But I’m not crazy, I’m just broken You wanna ignore the fact that you broke my heart You’ll put your smile on, say “How’s it going, buddy?” And I wish you’d be the one taking me home But I’m leaving alone I need to get out of this apartment Grab my coat and clear my mind The tears are streaming down my face As the sun begins to set on Humboldt Park If I ride fast enough, then I won’t fall apart But I’m not crazy, I’m just broken You wanna ignore the fact that you broke my heart You’ll put your smile on, say “How’s it going, buddy?” And I wish you’d be the one taking me home But I’m leaving alone But I’m not crazy, I’m just broken You wanna ignore the fact that you broke my heart You’ll put your smile on, say “How’s it going, buddy?” And I wish you’d be the one taking me home But I’m leaving alone
10.
03:49
All of the good times—our high lives and night life—are bolted down, tight, to the past. We try to relive it, but only in increments, with every sip from this glass. We’re living the dream in cobwebs and seeds, lines from all the shitty novels we read, content to build castles of sand and call ourselves royalty. I don’t want what was promised. I want the belief that it’s waiting for us. All we need do is reach. They told us to look to the skies and to aim for the fences. Now, we’re all just waiting in lines that never will finish. They sold us beautiful lies. They told us we were all princesses and princes. Now, we’re left here with meaningless words and a pause in midsentence. We learned how to be from toys and TV. We’re worth a hell of a lot more unhappy. Our heroes were strong, the villains all wrong, and the women always needed saving. Now all of the glass is broken, and all of my hair’s in my hands. And all of my hope has been stolen, and I question the worth of a man. They told us to look to the skies and to aim for the fences. Now, we’re all just waiting in lines that never will finish. They sold us beautiful lies. They told us we were all princesses and princes. Now, we’re left here with meaningless words and a pause in midsentence. Here’s to the real friends, the ones that I haven’t seen in weeks. Life flew right out of our hands. We burned down the forest but could not find a tree. We fell for the trick we thought we would get. We held to the pledge and watched the prestige, and we found ourselves sawed in half to an audience clapping. They told us to look to the skies and to aim for the fences. Now, we’re all just waiting in lines and hoping to end this. They sold us beautiful lies. They told us we were all princesses and princes. Now, we’re left here with meaningless words and a pause in midsentence.
11.
01:41
You, you don’t see me Like you used to Like I loved you to do Now, you won’t hold my hand Or push me up against a wall To take my breath away No Do you mean it When you say I love you You’re the one who said it first Now it’s just a call-and-response But I mean it Deep in my bones In my heart and in my lungs I could drink you in forever Now I know you’re falling apart Wish I could take away the pain But I can’t And I’m not enough
12.
We may have lost the battle, but it feels like we lost the war. And if there’s hope or happiness to cling to, then I’m not so sure where to find it, but I know it’s not on this bathroom floor. All the dog hair, piss and vomit, I have already explored. How much whiskey do you think I would have to drink to drown everything inside of me? Because I’m sick of waking up with this pang deep in my gut that says nothing will ever be what it should be. We may have lost the safety, but it feels like we lost the love. Let’s not lie. Hope or happiness was never ours all along. We thought we’d built something great: Babel or Babylon. We rise from the rubble as what we discovered we came for all along. How much whiskey do you think I would have to drink to drown all the darkness in me? Because I’m sick of waking up with this pang deep in my gut that says I’ve never really ever tried to be The change that I needed to see in this shit-splattered outhouse we call “love” and rest in our own peace. We let this happen. We didn't love enough. We didn’t do enough. We didn’t mobilize. Let’s get our shit together. We may have lost the battle, but let’s not give up the war. There’s no hope left to cling to but what we bleed out of our pores. How much whiskey do you think I would have to drink to drown all the good things in me? Because I’m not so sure a good soul means a thing anymore. And I’d go to hell if it meant heaven was free.

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released February 16, 2018

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Turnspit Chicago, Illinois

thoughtful. melodic. midwestern. punk.

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